Walls

I am trying to break down walls that have been in place since I have been in grade 3. I put them to protect myself from certain people who were hurting me, both emotionally and physically. Those walls gradually grew to block out the whole world. The problem is, as one of my friends pointed out, the walls we put up to protect us don't know the difference between happiness and sadness.

What makes the job harder is when people then yell at me about it.

I do not understand why people cannot seem to grasp the idea that it is hard. It is incredibly hard. The reason it is so hard, is that to break down these walls, I need the support of my friends and family, and to yell at me while I am trying to fix it, really doesn't count as support.

I want to be able to talk openly and honestly to people, and it doesn't help that every time I talk to people, they seem to change the rules. When I am in an argument, I should be able to talk at the same level as the people I am arguing with. I should be able to talk like an adult to them, as I am one.

These people do not seem to realize that as an adult, I should have some freedoms that I didn't before. I should be able to go out without getting the third degree. I should be able to put a lock on my door. I shouldn't be attacked every time people are angry about small messes.

These people, who know me better than anyone else, should also realize that I am prone to say stupid things. This is what I cannot seem to understand. They know I am impulsive, they know I can be an idiot, and they know this can happen on or off of my Ritalin. The Ritalin only helps my impulsive nature, it is not a cure-all drug.

For all of these reasons, and more, I say to these people. Lay off... I get it, I know I have some problems, and yelling at me about them is not helping me in the slightest. For the most part, they are things that I have to work out. I will figure out how to work them out, and I will work them out on my own schedule.

I have a lot of problems with my family. I will defend myself for no reason sometimes. This is a remnant from my days when all I knew from most people was ridicule and hurt. I learned a lot of defensive responses that have haunted me to this day. I am bad at distinguishing people making fun of me from them just kidding around, stop telling me to lighten up... I am trying.

That is my point here. I am trying to change. It will take a while, I will need to learn the rules of how to talk to people. I am trying to break down the walls that have "protected" me from the world. It might help if people didn't make me feel like I need to protect and defend myself.

Until next time...