I Don't Know

I feel so lonely right now.

Dreams Still.

I had that dream again last night. It's starting to freak me out, and I wake up worried that I've failed again. I end up feeling like I'm stuck failing. It makes me not want to even think about school.

Dreams

I've been having a recurring dream.

In it, I'm in school again, and it's November. And I haven't been attending classes, and I don't understand the material being taught. Then I learn that the midterm either just happened, and I missed it, or that it's coming up in a day or two. And there's no way to make it up. Then I learn my marks are low, and that there's no hope. And I end up feeling this massive hopeless feeling that I can't shake off.

That's where I usually wake up, and I remember that I'm not in school yet. It's starting to worry me.

I has a QR code

Imaginings.

Here we go.

I'm making it onwards unto my goal, and all that I see below me is naught but a fire riddled landscape, flaming up and flaring up, decimating all that lays before it.

That thing I sought is gone. It's gone forever, and I'm never getting back, no matter how I try.
It's been stolen from me, and no matter how I cry and how I whine, and how I tear up, it shalt never be returned.

All that I thought was real is gone, and replaced with a pale imitation of that was ripped from my soul so quickly.

It's gone. It's gone and I want it back. You bastards, why did you take it from me? It was mine! How did I bother you with it, and why would you want to hurt me for that small thing. That small victory.

That small dignity.
It was all I had.

Greetings, from the World of Tomorrow!

I bought a bicycle, and I am tired as hell, after riding a sum total of, upon checking Google maps, almost six kilometres. That is half of what I need to do, just to get to work, and I did it in two bursts. And both times, I had to walk my bike a bit.

This is going to be a serious fucking challenge.

Also, I've switched over to G-mail. Just to get caught up with 2008.

Until next time, I guess then...

Good News

I may have managed to get what I was looking for. The TRC spot seems to be going to me, by the sounds of my conversations with our store HRM. I don't even know how to feel for sure yet, other than just happy. I had been resigned to the fact that I was going to have to type up my pitiful little retail resume, and pass it out to some stores only to be met with failure, but now, for the first time in two months of thinking about this, I'm faced with this odd hope. It's very odd.

Two months of feeling this constant oppressive weight on my shoulders, has just lifted. It feels amazing.

It really does feel amazing.

Merrily I Ooze Along

I'm sure this is all a large surprise to my faithful readers, but I can't seem to care about updating this regularly. I don't know what it is about blogging that brings me to it in waves. Maybe it's just catharthsis or something, that thing I need to do every so often just to have it out of my system. I might just need to find some sort of system for this, too.

You know what though? I blame Twitter. Damned Microblogging. What I'll have to do is find a way to put my TwitterFeed on the site. That'll fix things.

Anyways, it's not looking like I'm going to get the position, and I'm probably not going to follow through on my threat, because I, sadly, was born without a spine. It's very tragic. I shall just ooze along now.

Godspeed, ladies and gentlemen. Godspeed.

Welcome to March

Hey, I live. Awesome.

I have felt so uninspired since the start of February. Hurry up Spring. Get here quicker.

I need to figure out what the hell is going on.

The Adventure

I went on an adventure the other day. I posted it all to my Twitter Feed, which is Shadowlost. Feel free to follow. Or not. I don't care.

Oh yeah. Happy Family Day.

Take That!

I'm doing it right now! You can't stop me, muah hah hah hah hah!

Seriously, there's not a thing in the world you can do, and no matter how much I may be Wallace, you still have two G's in your name, Googly-Elmo!

Wait, I'm on Twitter, right?

I'm considering dinner. I'm thinking linguini with meatballs. Maybe with veal.

Without Incident, the Day Came and Went

So, the job fair was today, and all in all, I don't know how to feel. I know for a fact that there were ex-GM employees that applied for the Tool Rental spot specifically. I also know that one of the TRC employees wants me in there, since they know that I'm more likely to stick around than some guy who wants the job as a hobby in retirement. I'm pretty sure I did a good job of singing my own praises in a non-obnoxious way today to the relevant people. Finally, I'm fairly confident that I will receive an interview.

Lord, I hope they give me an interview. I really do not want to have to follow through on my promise.

I want to work somewhere where I will feel challenged. Hurry up, Depot. I want to see how this turns out so that I can start thinking about what to do next.

Dread

I'm the fallback for Tool Rental. I was called to be in there tonight when someone needed a break. Why then is it that I feel so much dread at the thought of this job fair tomorrow?

I'm worried that they're going to replace me and shove me off without even a cursory glance. Like they did with the head cashier position. That's my worry, and I know that I've gotten the pro-sales manager to promise that I would have an interview, I'm still worried that I'm not even going to be seriously considered.

Once bitten, twice shy, I suppose.

A Promise.

So I still feel like writing. The time is 8:30, and I still feel like writing. I don't know about what, and my eyes aren't even open. Isn't learning to type properly just completely awesome?

I've had a long day. I was supposed to be off in a half hour, which would coincide nicely with the death of my cell phone's battery, but that seems destined not to be. Oh! Interesting fact. I have a smartphone now. I've been trying to figure out how to blog on it nicely, but Blogspot seems to not work very nicely with my Motorola Milestone. Maybe with 2.2 it will do a bit better.

So what to talk about. Kaerwyn is below you. Home Depot is on this end of the screen, your room is on your end of the screen. Above you will be some post about my thoughts at the moment, much similar to what this is. To your right, there are some links to other places on the internet. To your left though. Oooh that's an interesting place. There's some blue there. Look! To the left of these words! Blue!

I'm in the Tool Rental Centre.

Six months ago, I applied for the head cashier position that was available. After some wait, the position went to a coworker of mine, and I was not even granted an interview. I was deemed unsuitable for the job. It was one of the most demoralizing experiences I had ever experienced in a job. It affected my work performance for three months or so, and even still, I don't have the same rosy view of The Home Depot that I used to. Now though, I have seen an opening I am fully trained for, have experience in, and am the fallback guy for when they need help. I am talking about the Tool Rental Centre. There is an opening, and I have come to a decision.

If I am not granted an interview, I will quit my job.

There. It is in print. If I am not granted an interview for the tool rental associate position that I applied for, I will find a new job and quit this one.

That being said, I talked to the manager of the department already, and he has actually promised me that I will receive an interview for the position. I am cautiously optimistic that I will not have to follow through on my promise.

I will not quit, if I don't get the position. There is a bit of a shakeup going on here at the Depot regarding one of our stocking teams, and they are being given special priority for transfers. Also, we are having a job fair, and we may pull in a millwright or something when the Depot casts out its nets.

So yeah. I will understand, though be disappointed, if I don't get the position. They better grant me the courtesy of granting me an interview for a position I held for a few months though. That, or they can find a new person for my current position anyways.

That's all there is to say then. For now at least.

Update!

Well, there went five days of possible updates. You all missed such gems as me analyzing a dream I had last night, several random statements, a multitude of things I did not think I would hear as a child, and other random thoughts.

I'm going to use the time I have here to talk about the Lunes, or at least until I get tired of that thought process. The floor yields its infinte time to Sholto's creation.

As some of you may know, one of my hobbies is roleplaying, specifically tabletop games, which meshes well with my boardgaming hobby, but also a single IRC based roleplay that I've been involved with now for almost three years known as Kaerwyn. Kaerwyn is excellent by the way, and you should all play there. I'm Shadowlost there, and I will help you get involved if you feel the urge to do so.

It's a small community of twenty or so active players, and we have a blast with it. It's set in a 'nexus universe' which means that you can pretty well do anything you like, and play on it. It's tricky to explain, but hey, look right! There's a link! CLICK IT!

Yes though. Lunes. Sholto is a player there, and one of the younger ones at that. He's one of the more creative players, and created a universe in which the Lunes reside. They are for all intents and purposes, short anthropomorphic wolves which speak in the third person as a general rule. Silly sounding, eh?

Maybe, but the plots that I've had based on Xeva, the Lunes homeworld, have been some of the most engaging of those I've played, save for those set on another player's world... but that's a story for another time.

In any case, Xeva makes for an awesome sandbox. The elements are there for some really epic plots, and Sholto is kind enough to let you play in his sandbox to your heart's content, so long as it all makes some sort of sense. Like the demise of magic, and the rebirth of a new sort. Or a shunned noble's quest to redeem himself, and those like him who cannot touch the magic he sees as his birthright. Or the journey of a young woodsman to find what is right, and what is moral in a world he is new to, and a world he thought he knew. I have a character who is a Lunes, and he's one of the most fun characters I've had in years.

So yes. I know it's few to noone who reads this blog, but I hope someone does someday and comes to pay us a visit. You will not be disappointed.

I am also the town treasurer.

What am I still doing up? I was tired hours ago! I am the mayor of yawny-town.

Blaaaaaarg.

Madness

The crazy is being pumped back out into the ether.

That is all.

Even more Magic

"Oh, there's a handful of these fake cock things in here!"

"So how's this girl on girl thing work?"

Couldn't even go two minutes. Not two minutes.

Life is Magic.

"Don't mind me while I sift through your sex toys."

"Did you cockslap yourself with the trans-cock yet? It's for stuffing your drawers if you were born a woman and don't want to be a woman anymore."

"I can get a nubbly head for it. I can get a penis head for it. I can get silicone."

"Rob, did you know you can get an e-stim kit on here for 125? Wholesale! There is any sextoy you can possible think of on here!"

"Someone made a homemade fleshlight."

"Christ! How many condoms did you get? Are these the ones you just toss to people?"

My roommates and friends. Keeping it classy.

Vexation

Huzzah, I have my Grandma's laptop, and am no longer slightly dead to the world!

For those of you at home who haven't been following along, my laptop's power adapter (the second one) has self destructed. It's all quite sad and tragic, and to the tune of about forty bucks. This vexes me. Oh well though, it's not like I don't spend five hours a day on my laptop anyways.

In other news, the Quirky/Fed-ex/Canda Customs complex has screwed me over for about twenty five dollars. While this vexes me as well, I don't see any way out but to pay the bastards.

Oh well. I don't have a lot to say today.

This isn't as interesting as it used to be.

Currency

So I sorta came to this realization that the absolute best way to do this, is to simply wait for the thought "I should say something on my blog." then say something. Doesn't matter what.

This is my thought right now, in case you were wondering.

Plot!

Plotplotplot!

Yup, it's plotting time on Kaerwyn again, and I'm having some fun with it this time. I gotta say, it really does help when a lifetime of sci-fi, and knowing the tropes helps your character keep up with technobabble.

And you know what? This plottage is inspiring me to do my own plot stuffs. I think I'll have to go down to the store and pick up this month's Discover. They've got some cool stuff in there, for weird science.

Also, Professor Layton is truly excellent.

Huzzah!

Another One

Well, that's disappointing. There I go off on some sort of stream of consciousness piece, and then I find out a paragraph or two in that I haven't managed to type out a damned thing

That's just irritating. Oh well.

Here i go again though, the curtains on the wall being transparent as always, and this ever present wall of gray in the sky above me seeming to loom. I suppose it's a ceiling. Whatever. I just want a blue sky and a sunny day.

Or is that what I just keep telling myself? I'm not entirely sure. I think it might be the actual problem, but I can't figure it out until the sun deigns to actually try shining on down.

Christ there's a lot of dishes in the sink downstairs. I should really clean them today. There is a part here tomorrow after all which I'm not entirely sure I'm looking forward to. I don't know why, but I seem to be looking forward to it with the same sense of abstract dread that... Is today Friday?

Shit. It's only Friday. Why do I keep thinking it's Saturday. Quirky's not on HSN til tomorrow. Why the hell am I still up? I should have gone to bed hours ago. I finished my scene in the plot hours ago, and I've just been sitting here, diddling around. What a waste of potential sleeping tme. I continue though. Whatever.

Brain. I think that I want to go somewhere else. Somewhere warm. Where it's happy. And there's not a puddle in my car, or laundry I have to do. I hate doing laundry. God.

I think that I need to figure out what it is I'm looking for. It's a very slowed down thought process I am suffering from right noww. Really odd, and hard to track. I need to think but it's fuzzy. What can I say?

A Topic Goes Here

You know what is awesome?

Star Trek. That's what's awesome. And anything in the roleplaying world that isn't star trek, but is trying to be like star trek. If it is star trek, and you're roleplaying, that may or may not be awesome. But if it's not explicitly star trek, then it is likely awesome.

Star Wars is good too.

Hmm. Maybe I'm feeling a bit better today. Helps when you have to have a version of yourself stop the flow of Trotulium, lest the ship be consumed by the matter/energy eating energy producing fluid.

This looks so crazy out of context. You'll have to trust me though. It was awesome.

Didn't think I'd hear that!

You know, as a child, imagining adulthood, and the conversations I would have... I didn't imagine a lot of the things I hear now.

Topping the list right now?

"I've got six pages of cock rings, right here."

Yeah... My life is a rich tapestry.

Something

SAnd there I was and there I am and there I thought I will be.
All that I was and am was laid out
Things that I thought I knew were shown to be false.

All the little things around me are in flux, and drifting on the wind
Curtains close, and I cannot see the outside world.
The lamp's brightness blinds me.
The doorway opens.

Out there is a thing. A thing undescribable.
Out there is a thing. A thing I cannot see.

Rings of Fire.

For you I'd wait, til Kingdom come.
Until my day, until my days are done.
And say you'll come, and set me free.
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.

So I dunno. I feel like quoting Coldplay right now. I'm listening to it, and it's making me feel better for the moment. I seriously do not know what has me in this funk right now, but it's starting to worry me. Nothing crazy, but it's just... reasonless. I want to be able to figure out why I feel like this.

On another note, Baltika 3 is an excellent beer. Thank you Russia, for this booze.

Strange Things

I feel really strange tonight.

I haven't had anything to drink, but I feel drunk. I have nothing to feel sad about, but I feel depressed. I had a good day of fairly adult activity, basking in maturity, but I feel like a child.

My friends are at a kinky party, and I just feel lonely right now. I wouldn't want to be there though. I'd just be hovering, not feeling comfortale. I don't like being single at all. It feels like noone wants to be around me.

This all sounds very depressing, I know. I'll feel better tomorrow.

Inspiration

I've been watching these speeches called TED talks, and have felt inspired. I see Wikileaks doing great things for the world, and I feel inspired. I hear about what Anonymous is doing, and I think tht it's great that someone is doing something about various causes.

I sit here and occasionally feel inspired to write something. Maybe.

I don't know.

Another Day

I continue to live.

Of course you know that if you are here. Right now, I'm guessing your name is Madelaine Clark if you are reading this, unless you have this on an RSS reader, Matthew. If not, if you're some random blog reader, and just happening by, I suppose I should introduce myself. Give you some back story on this blog that's updating for the first time in more than a year.

I'm Rob. I live on my own, for about a year. I am in between universities, but at the same job I've held for a few years now. Oh, and I don't write anymore. I just cannot seem to be assed anymore to actually sit down and plan out my thoughts, or even produce something stream of consciousness. I think this all comes down to a lack of time in which I'm forced to sit in one place doing nothing, anymore.

So here I am. I want to say something encouraging to the process. Something saying I'm turning this blog around like, "I plan to start this again". That though would be a lie. I have no such plans. To be very honest, tonight I just was talking to a friend, and something came up that made me think. And it made me want to voice my thoughts, even if constantly in my head, I'm still censoring myself.

That was part of the reason I stopped though. Despite my knowledge that nobody would ever read this blog outside my family, the idea of posting my journal, and posting my thoughts like this was always very appealing. It was like an open letter, airing my grievances, my thoughts, my feelings. It helped me deal with things from day to day, and I didn't care what people thought at first. In a lot of very meaningful ways, it helped me a lot.

I'm proud of a lot of the stuff I did with this blog. The censoring though, the stuff I had to learn not to do, for fear people would be offended... It hurt. I needed to be able to say whatever I wanted, and I had lost my outlet.

So, there it is. What I am willing to say right now. It's not well laid out, or always making perfect sense, but there it is. The old standard would be 'Until next time...' right here, but I'm not going to make the suggestion that I'll be back here.

I have to think about certain things that I'm not sure I'm ready to confront yet. The end results terrify me.