Hiatus

I don't like posting as much as I used to, this is a simple fact. I do not have the motivation to do it, I do not have the time to do it, and I do not have the material. The incentives for me to post have been ripped away from me steadily over the course of my time posting here. This has made it so that it is no longer enjoyable to post my feelings in this forum. It is far better for me to not mention any of them, because the 'conversations' that I am forced to have with certain people, feels more like some sort of inquisition, and it feels that my points of view are scrutinized unduly.

I do not enjoy writing when I have to be censored. This is a simple fact. I like being able to rant and rave about whatever thing makes me angry, or sad, or simply makes me laugh; without my viewpoint being belittled, or thought of as irrational. I do not like having to defend my viewpoint itself, simply because someone does not agree with it. I like saying I am pissed off at my parents if I am pissed off at my parents. I like being able to say exactly how my brother has struck my last nerve if I want. I want to be able to tell whatever fraction of the world reads this whatever I want, whenever I want, moderated only by what I feel is right.

Obviously that's not going to happen, it's ridiculous, and more than a bit selfish to actually go ahead and do it. One must censor themselves a bit. They would alienate everyone around themselves otherwise. I would however like to be able to not be attacked for some posts that I make, and belittled for others.

On occasion I will make a post. Something innocuous, but what will end up happening, is that I will have to engage in talk after talk about some small part of what I discussed in the post. Something that after posting, I feel better about, or I have no desire to discuss. Other times, I'll post a fairly blatant concern, and I will never hear the end of it, especially if it strikes a chord with those around me.

Not every post is directed at everyone, many are directed at absolutely nobody in particular. Some are just done for my benefit, to make me feel better. Once I post them, I usually have no further desire to talk about the issue. I frankly do not like talking about what I write about more often than not. I am not good at verbalizing my thoughts. It takes me too long, and I end up tripping over my words. Whereas when I write, I can plan out each statement before I submit it.

I have tried other options, not posting, posting under private mode, and simply posting elsewhere, and what the problem always is, is that I enjoy the illusion that other people outside my circle of friends and family could read this. I obviously do not suffer under this illusion, but the fact is, the chance that someone could happen upon my writing, is a motivator to write. The problem though is, that I like writing as Robert Clark, and not any of my online aliases. It makes it more personal for me, but sadly brings it home to those around me.

So it is with this, that I announce an indefinite hiatus from posting, until I can figure out what I am going to do. I may post during this time, but I doubt it.

I don't enjoy the pressure I feel whenever I post. I do not enjoy not being able to express myself, and I don't enjoy having my feelings scrutinized. There are certainly positives, but in my mind at least, the cons outweigh the pros.

Until next time...