Good News

I may have managed to get what I was looking for. The TRC spot seems to be going to me, by the sounds of my conversations with our store HRM. I don't even know how to feel for sure yet, other than just happy. I had been resigned to the fact that I was going to have to type up my pitiful little retail resume, and pass it out to some stores only to be met with failure, but now, for the first time in two months of thinking about this, I'm faced with this odd hope. It's very odd.

Two months of feeling this constant oppressive weight on my shoulders, has just lifted. It feels amazing.

It really does feel amazing.

Merrily I Ooze Along

I'm sure this is all a large surprise to my faithful readers, but I can't seem to care about updating this regularly. I don't know what it is about blogging that brings me to it in waves. Maybe it's just catharthsis or something, that thing I need to do every so often just to have it out of my system. I might just need to find some sort of system for this, too.

You know what though? I blame Twitter. Damned Microblogging. What I'll have to do is find a way to put my TwitterFeed on the site. That'll fix things.

Anyways, it's not looking like I'm going to get the position, and I'm probably not going to follow through on my threat, because I, sadly, was born without a spine. It's very tragic. I shall just ooze along now.

Godspeed, ladies and gentlemen. Godspeed.

Without Incident, the Day Came and Went

So, the job fair was today, and all in all, I don't know how to feel. I know for a fact that there were ex-GM employees that applied for the Tool Rental spot specifically. I also know that one of the TRC employees wants me in there, since they know that I'm more likely to stick around than some guy who wants the job as a hobby in retirement. I'm pretty sure I did a good job of singing my own praises in a non-obnoxious way today to the relevant people. Finally, I'm fairly confident that I will receive an interview.

Lord, I hope they give me an interview. I really do not want to have to follow through on my promise.

I want to work somewhere where I will feel challenged. Hurry up, Depot. I want to see how this turns out so that I can start thinking about what to do next.

Dread

I'm the fallback for Tool Rental. I was called to be in there tonight when someone needed a break. Why then is it that I feel so much dread at the thought of this job fair tomorrow?

I'm worried that they're going to replace me and shove me off without even a cursory glance. Like they did with the head cashier position. That's my worry, and I know that I've gotten the pro-sales manager to promise that I would have an interview, I'm still worried that I'm not even going to be seriously considered.

Once bitten, twice shy, I suppose.

Update!

Well, there went five days of possible updates. You all missed such gems as me analyzing a dream I had last night, several random statements, a multitude of things I did not think I would hear as a child, and other random thoughts.

I'm going to use the time I have here to talk about the Lunes, or at least until I get tired of that thought process. The floor yields its infinte time to Sholto's creation.

As some of you may know, one of my hobbies is roleplaying, specifically tabletop games, which meshes well with my boardgaming hobby, but also a single IRC based roleplay that I've been involved with now for almost three years known as Kaerwyn. Kaerwyn is excellent by the way, and you should all play there. I'm Shadowlost there, and I will help you get involved if you feel the urge to do so.

It's a small community of twenty or so active players, and we have a blast with it. It's set in a 'nexus universe' which means that you can pretty well do anything you like, and play on it. It's tricky to explain, but hey, look right! There's a link! CLICK IT!

Yes though. Lunes. Sholto is a player there, and one of the younger ones at that. He's one of the more creative players, and created a universe in which the Lunes reside. They are for all intents and purposes, short anthropomorphic wolves which speak in the third person as a general rule. Silly sounding, eh?

Maybe, but the plots that I've had based on Xeva, the Lunes homeworld, have been some of the most engaging of those I've played, save for those set on another player's world... but that's a story for another time.

In any case, Xeva makes for an awesome sandbox. The elements are there for some really epic plots, and Sholto is kind enough to let you play in his sandbox to your heart's content, so long as it all makes some sort of sense. Like the demise of magic, and the rebirth of a new sort. Or a shunned noble's quest to redeem himself, and those like him who cannot touch the magic he sees as his birthright. Or the journey of a young woodsman to find what is right, and what is moral in a world he is new to, and a world he thought he knew. I have a character who is a Lunes, and he's one of the most fun characters I've had in years.

So yes. I know it's few to noone who reads this blog, but I hope someone does someday and comes to pay us a visit. You will not be disappointed.

Strange Things

I feel really strange tonight.

I haven't had anything to drink, but I feel drunk. I have nothing to feel sad about, but I feel depressed. I had a good day of fairly adult activity, basking in maturity, but I feel like a child.

My friends are at a kinky party, and I just feel lonely right now. I wouldn't want to be there though. I'd just be hovering, not feeling comfortale. I don't like being single at all. It feels like noone wants to be around me.

This all sounds very depressing, I know. I'll feel better tomorrow.

Another Day

I continue to live.

Of course you know that if you are here. Right now, I'm guessing your name is Madelaine Clark if you are reading this, unless you have this on an RSS reader, Matthew. If not, if you're some random blog reader, and just happening by, I suppose I should introduce myself. Give you some back story on this blog that's updating for the first time in more than a year.

I'm Rob. I live on my own, for about a year. I am in between universities, but at the same job I've held for a few years now. Oh, and I don't write anymore. I just cannot seem to be assed anymore to actually sit down and plan out my thoughts, or even produce something stream of consciousness. I think this all comes down to a lack of time in which I'm forced to sit in one place doing nothing, anymore.

So here I am. I want to say something encouraging to the process. Something saying I'm turning this blog around like, "I plan to start this again". That though would be a lie. I have no such plans. To be very honest, tonight I just was talking to a friend, and something came up that made me think. And it made me want to voice my thoughts, even if constantly in my head, I'm still censoring myself.

That was part of the reason I stopped though. Despite my knowledge that nobody would ever read this blog outside my family, the idea of posting my journal, and posting my thoughts like this was always very appealing. It was like an open letter, airing my grievances, my thoughts, my feelings. It helped me deal with things from day to day, and I didn't care what people thought at first. In a lot of very meaningful ways, it helped me a lot.

I'm proud of a lot of the stuff I did with this blog. The censoring though, the stuff I had to learn not to do, for fear people would be offended... It hurt. I needed to be able to say whatever I wanted, and I had lost my outlet.

So, there it is. What I am willing to say right now. It's not well laid out, or always making perfect sense, but there it is. The old standard would be 'Until next time...' right here, but I'm not going to make the suggestion that I'll be back here.

I have to think about certain things that I'm not sure I'm ready to confront yet. The end results terrify me.

A Chance at the Truth

My ideas are my own.
I will not be silenced.

My words are my own,
I will spread them to the world.

My medium is the written word
To stop me is to hold me back
To censor me is to hold me down
To impose restrictions on me is to break my spirit and take my freedom away.
The ruled sheet is my canvas onto which my masterpiece will flow.

My masterpiece will be truly mine;
Heartfelt expressions, lyrically phrased,
and brought forward in such a way that nobody,
Not a soul,
Will ever challenge me as to what is mine and what is not.

I shall not see my visions tarnished, I will not hide them from the world.
I can not stop because of anger produced by my veiled allusions.
The words that sting are the true feelings from my heart,
and I have only the choice in how the words sting whom.

The words may stay bottled, hidden from all but me;
The stings forever going inwards.

Words may flow onto the empty page but silenced in fear of offending another,
The feelings that would be seen only shadows of what truly exists.
My feelings would be detached, forgotten and lost.
A part of myself, at some time, scattered forever and a nagging sense of loss all that remains.

My heart could go out though, out for all to take notice.
Feelings expressed and acknowledged, the heartfelt wounds no longer simply mine to bear.
Spread amongst those that should know them, those that would want to see.
A jealous few would hate them, but that would be the price to pay for being free.
Thought for thought, what is there is truly me.


My words are not crafted to be the barbs that they are seen as.
My lines are not made with the intent to hurt.

I choose my words and lay them down,
I share them with the world.
I ask for help, I ask for guidance.

Guidance to heal,
Guidance to teach.

Guidance to find what I am looking for within myself.


This must be understood.

I write for me, and for no one else.
I write to clear my mind,
such that I can know my own self true.
I write to better my craft, to sharpen my mind.
I write so that I know my deepest thoughts,
the ones that do not make themselves known.
I write so that I can try to find balance.

I show my art to the world not in a spirit of vengeance;
not in a spirit of malevolence.
It is so that I can be shown how to express myself.

Express myself better,
More clearly,
More eloquently,
More lyrically.

I show my art to the world not to sting and bruise,
It is so that I can ask how to not feel the stings and bruises myself.

So that I will not bruise,
So that I will not be stung.
So in the future when I am given pause to think again on matters close,
The lessons learned will bring a new resolution.
One beneficial to all.

I write, I share, I listen, I change.
I write again.


As much as I wish to do one thing, I often do another.
Such did my work, to assert my integrity and honour,
become a heartfelt plea for understanding.

It saddens me that through all of it, I will still not receive it.
I will receive scorn,
I will be the subject of derision,
I will have those who I seek to make understand, become enraged.

In the end though, my works will be mine.
If I have to choose between the artificial peace and my dreams,
I pick my dreams.
If the choice to keep my eventual masterpiece,
Causes strife and increases the enmity always felt,
the choice becomes more difficult.

I do not desire it, but I must let what I create be mine.
Not someone elses, tainted by threats and anger.
Not soured by a sugar coating.
Whatever shown must be the truth.

I will show my words.
I will show my heart.
I will show the truth.

As much as it may pain me in the end,
I will not be silenced.


Until next time...

My Older Style of Writing

You know what is somewhat depressing? Looking back upon your older works, your old posts, your old writing, poetry and short stories. Reading back through them, having a good laugh, thinking about how you used to view the world. Looking back and realizing that you have not improved at writing in the slightest.

I was recently looking back upon my post "I Wish You a Merry Christmas" and marvelled at a few things. I noticed that since then, my religious and political beliefs have matured and settled. I noticed, upon reading through this post and a few others that my writing used to be much more interesting. I could make sentences flow together and sound exactly how I wanted them to without any effort at all. There was no worries of using the correct words, as everything just flowed from my head to the page. I could write three or four pieces in the space of two hours.

And the writing was good. I really enjoyed it, and I was good at it, at least in my opinion.

These days, it seems that writing the way I used to is harder. It takes more concentration, which I cannot seem to muster these days, and I can never seem to work out how to just sit and write. The atmosphere is never right, despite almost always having writing materials.

I wish so much that I could simply write like I used to. Without effort, without a hint of self consciousness. Write without worrying about what people would think, and write what I truly felt.

Until next time...

Screw you, Hallmark!

So I think I've come up with a great plan to avoid giving Hallmark and Carlton Cards any further money. I figure that over the years I have spend four dollars or so on cards at least a few dozen times.

So from now on, rather than do that, I will spend five dollars, and do the following:

1. Get a crisp five dollar bill.
2. Get a small square envelope.
3. Write on the five dollar bill "Happy [occasion], Love [Your Name]". Do this preferably with a Sharpie.
   
4. Fold it neatly and put it in the envelope.
5. Seal the envelope and give it to them with the envelope.

See, now there is a few reasons why this is inherently a good idea

1. You aren't giving money to Hallmark, you are instead giving it to someone you care about.
2. They will think it is a neat idea.
3. In some cases, it costs less than the card.
4. They will get some use out of their "card"
   
5. You get the added satisfaction of wondering what the next person getting this five dollar bill will think when they read the message.

So yeah, try it. I find it works quite well, and I haven't given a card in a few months.

Until next time...

Life in General

I just don't know what I'm doing lately. It seems like I've been going through the motions for some time now, and I simply do not know what to say, or do to change this. I think I've come to the conclusion that while I do need a change in my life, I'm unsure as to what change that may be, or whether I could handle it.

Of course, I say this in the wake of a car accident that has shaken me up, quite honestly, and made me paranoid of other cars on the road. This disruption to my normal routine just has me so frustrated, but still, at the same time, has left me wanting to shake things up a bit more. To make some sort of change while the mood is there.

I don't know, I think that honestly, I've known what I wanted for some time, and despite the suggestions of others, saying it is easy, that I just need to put myself out there. I suck at meeting new people. I have trouble relating to them, and I get the feeling that I come off as looking standoffish. More to the point, as much as I desire to find a relationship that has meaning, like some of my friends have, I lack both the social finesse, and the confidence to seek this out.

I don't know.

In other news, my education mark has come back, and it turns out I got a B-. Not a stellar mark, but nothing to be ashamed of. It wont be long until I manage to get off of probation. Perhaps only until the end of my next semester.

I worry about the future a lot. In the light of day, I often think that things will be fine, but then I'll stay up at night, trying to figure out where I need to go from here. I try to keep up my marks, stay ahead in school, but what's coming worries me. They say it all the time: Que sera... sera. But, que sera?

Until next time...

Pseudorandom Numbers

I have just engaged in a particularly pointless debate with one of my friends, on the relative randomness of varying small numbers, picked from the natural set. The debate primarily consisted of us attempting to determine what truly made a number more or less random.

Obviously, larger numbers seem more random, when taking into consideration the vastness of infinity, but in the end, when looking towards the end of infinity, one billion seems just as far away from it as one does. This is where my assertion comes in that some numbers 'seem' more random than other.

I maintain the following points:

1. Odd numbers seem more random than even ones.
2. Prime numbers seem more random than composite.
3. There should not be an abundance of any particular digit.
4. There should be a odd:even digit ratio of slightly over one.
5. And finally, it should have that ring of just having been pulled out of thin air.

These to me, are the five tenets of what makes a number random.

This of course is a load of malarkey, as truly random numbers cannot be generated, due to humans having bias, and computers not being able to produce anything but pseudorandom numbers.

For those that do not believe that they cannot produce random numbers, I challenge you to do the following: Begin saying random digits; at some point a pattern will form, or you will favour certain digits. While of course those pseudorandom numbers are sufficient, they are not ideal.

Pseudorandom numbers usually have all the characteristics of a random number, but it still begs the question, of how one would truly acheive a random value.

Until next time...

Physics

Alright, I am getting quite tired of muddling along in physics, attempting to do all of the work, yet falling further and further behind, simply because I cannot understand how to apply things. Every class, every lab, another five equations are added to the list of those I am expected to know, and memorize, and I am losing my mind.

I have come to the realization, that while I will be able to finish out the year in my course, that I have little to no hope of bringing this all together for another three years. I seem to be, day by day, gravitating towards computer science as an alternative major. It would afford me the same opportunities, while at the same time allowing me a field where I can learn from scratch, without the presumption that I know prior knowledge. It also occurs to me that it would afford me more practical knowledge in each class.

I will have to take some time and consider this, while it is still perfectly acceptable to be having such issues, before it is too late. If I switch now, the fallout will be minimal, and I will have no problem recovering, and obtaining the courses which I would need.

Perhaps I could keep physics as my minor, or I may go towards math, where I would not have too many issues either. I, as I said, will have to think about it.

Until next time...

Family

Throughout the time we have in this life, often we walk upon its path, surrounded by our family and friends. Along the way, many of your friends may take different paths, leading away from your own, going different places. Others will converge into your's, leaving you with newfound people to share your life's journey with. Your family though, your family is there with you every moment.

Sometimes in life, you feel like you're alone, that nobody knows how you are feeling. That nobody understands what you're trying to say. That nobody looks at you, and is glad that they know you, and that you make people's lives better as a result of being a part of it. I'm not sure how egotistical or vain that seems. It's just how I feel sometimes...

I have learned something recently... That you are not alone, as long as you have your family, they will always stand by you, in some shape or form. You may not always like the way in which they show their support, or encouragement, but it is always there. They may not even know how to properly express it themselves, but it is there. Sometimes you just need to give them a chance, or the benefit of the doubt.

To those that read this, and you will know who you are, I am sorry. Thank you for your words of encouragement, they were truly touching; and that's not a phrase I use lightly.

Until next time...

Cell Phones

Well, it would seem that school boards are mulling over the ban of cell phones in classrooms. Apparently, this is creating quite a problem, both amongst the students using the phones, and the parents who want to call their kids.

I have this to say, I went to high school in a school that had a complete ban on cell phones, both in class and out. I once saw a student suspended for having a cell phone at the bus stop, off school property. I do not support this sort of total, all-inclusive ban, it is ridiculous, it is petty and it is wrong in my opinion. I do not see, however, how any rational person can actually oppose a ban of cell phones in classrooms.

Let us all face it, cell phones do not belong in classrooms, they are distracting, they can be used to cheat on tests, and there is frankly no need for it. These phones should be left in the student's lockers, safely put in their backpacks. This way the students can phone who they need to after classes, or on their lunch breaks, without being blatantly disruptive.

I would make the following suggestion: A total ban on cell phones in classrooms be put into effect, enforced with a zero tolerance attitude. If a cell phone is found on a student because it goes off during a class, then that cell phone be confiscated, and returned at the end of the day, and some suitable punishment be enforced. Meanwhile, allow the phones to be used when the students are not in class, or are on a field trip. This way, the parents can contact their kids, they have no real business calling them in class anyways. If it is that important, they can call the office.

A total ban is ridiculous, and is not in the best interests of anyone, but allowing them in classrooms is out of the question as well in my opinion. Is it impossible for anyone to sense that there is some middle ground here? Why is it that everyone seems to jump on the "Ban cell phones outright" bandwagon, just because when they were kids they did not have them?

Times have changed, and as society changes as a result of our technology advancing, our reactions to things must change accordingly. We must take appropriate measures against new devices, and be careful to not let things get out of hand.

Until next time...

Leadership

Every group has a style of working... some of these group dynamics work well, and some do not. Many that fail, are those that lack a strong leadership. The single leader not working due to some reason, be that because they do not act, or because they act without asking the others, or for some other reason.

My question is this... Why is there a real need for a true single leader? Why is it that we cannot have a committee of equals, made up of the most qualified, that act for the rest of us. Canadian parliament works in a manner such as this, and if they were all independant, it would be exactly what I am talking about here. No one person having more power than anyone else... everyone's vote being worth the exact same.

I think the problem is that for all of this, it kind of goes back to Plato's idea of having a philosopher king, that would rule out of complete fairness and whose rule would be entirely devoted to making society better for the citizens. The problem there was that there were no philosopher kings available.

Well, we are still not in Kallipolis, so I do not know what to tell you on the large scale.

On the small scale, I suggest that maybe we can work together to make things better. If we all just stopped grabbing for power and looking out for ourselves, maybe we could see that there is a better solution for all if we just managed to agree.

Wow, I don't know where this came from...

Until next time...

Expectations

Have you ever expected something to turn out a certain way, only to have your vision shattered when something unforseen occurs?

I think this is something we have all had to deal with at some point or another, and I think we all know by now that it can sometimes be hard to deal with, especially when you do not have a contingency plan. That is why it is always important to have a plan "B" in case something goes wrong.

What shocks me though, is when it is not unforseen events that change things, but the actions of those who you trust. That is when I have to take a step back and truly analyze the situation. If the people who I trust turn against me, and try to destroy what I have worked for, then how am I to continue as if nothing has happened.

What shocks me is when for no reason, I am shown hostility that I do not feel I deserve. When my job is made harder because stress and aggravation cause people to display an air of hostility that makes it harder to do what I am supposed to do.

It is annoying when my job is made harder by those who would harass me and deliberately make my job miserable. Who would create a hostile work environment. I do not deserve poor treatment just because of things I have no control over.

For those of you that read this and ask what in the world I am talking about, let me say this. It is not about any specific thing, but a large number of things that are going on in my life right now. I feel I am getting the short end of the stick, and quite frankly I am getting tired of it.

In conclusion, to the people I am talking about, and I believe you all know who you are. Leave me alone. Stop harassing me, it is just making all our lives harder than they need to be. Just back off.

Until next time...

A Question of Human Nature

My question today goes to why groups of friends cannot handle power.

Why is it that in a group of friends, who respect and like each other, power always ruins things?Why is it that the power can not be shared amongst the group of friends? Why must it always corrupt the group?

I am getting awfully sick of being the one person with no desire for power. This is not because I have a secret desire to take power, but because I am the one everyone else turns to talk to when they start fighting. I am tired of dealing with all the crap.

Why can friends not get along? Why can a hierarchical structure not exist without serious problems arising? I dont understand it, especially when we agreed upon the structure to begin with.

Oh well, I shall disinvolve myself with the crap.

Until next time...

Those Romans were on to Something...

Carpe Diem... Sieze the day. Live every moment to its fullest, and never let time pass through your fingers, because it is precious and finite. Some day you will look back on your life, and wish you had done more, so don't waste it.

Dum Spiro, Spero... While I breathe I hope. I hope for the world with every breath. I hope that some day we may all be able to live together without the hate and intolerance that exists today. I hope that some day children will not have to go hungry. I hope there will someday be no need for guns.

Gutta cavat lapidem, non vi sed saepe cadendo... The drop hollows the stone, not by force but by falling on it often. What better message is there than this? That it is not brute force that gets the job done, but patience and persistance. That given enough time, and enough determination, that we can truly accomplish anything.

Malum est consilium quod mutari non potest... A plan that cannot be changed is bad. This just speaks to the need for flexibility in ones plans. Things will always come up to block your plans, and if you cannot roll with the punches, than you are doomed.

Diligentia maximum etiam mediocris ingeni subsidium... Diligence is a very great help even to a person of mediocre intelligence. Basically, if you are careful in what you do, even if you are a bit of a fool, then you will do well in life. If you think through your actions, then you will usually look intelligent, regardless of your intellect.

Dum inter homines sumus, colamus humanitatem... As long as we are among humans, let us be humane. So true, so very true... We could all do well to listen to that one.

Qui beneficium dedit, taceat; narret qui accepit... Let he who have given a favor be silent; may he who have accepted it speak of it. A good piece of advice. If you talk about the favors you have given, you look like you are throwing it in people's faces. If you talk about how someone did you a favor, you look good because you look grateful, and the other person looks good because they look kind. Everyone wins...

Qui statuit aliquid parte inaudita altera, aequum licet statuerit... One who passes sentence on something without having heard the other part is not just, even if the sentence is just. No matter what happens, you must always hear both sides of any story before you judge someone. Otherwise even if you are right, you still have not been fair, and therefore your judgement is invalid.

Tamdiu discendum est, quamdiu vivas... You live, you learn. You learn from the mistakes you make in your life as well as from the successes. Just accept that you will make those mistakes, and learn from them. To not learn from one's mistake is the biggest mistake one can make.

So in conclusion I say, Rident stolidi verba Latina... Fools laugh at the Latin language.

Until next time...

Sides of Ourselves

The way I figure it, there are at least three sides to every person.

One is the public face that we put up for everyone to see. This is the side of ourselves that we let everyone see; the part of ourselves that we are most comfortable showing to the world.

Next is the side of ourselves that we reveal only to those who know us well. We may reveal different things to different people, but it is all our choice as to what is revealed. As time passes we may let some things reach the public side of ourselves as we become more comfortable with them.

Lastly is our private side; the part of ourselves that we do not let anyone else see. These are the things about ourselves that we may be ashamed of, or they may be things we think others will disapprove of, or they may just be things we are not comfortable telling anyone about. In any case, as we grow to accept these things, or grow to trust those around us these things may be revealed to those we care about.

That is the way I see it. We have a public side, a more personal side, and a deeply personal side. It is each of our decisions as to what is revealed and when, but I will say this. Embrace your strangeness; your hopes, your beliefs, your dreams. Never deny who you truly are and remember: people are a lot more accepting than you give them credit for.

Until next time...