Greetings, from the World of Tomorrow!

I bought a bicycle, and I am tired as hell, after riding a sum total of, upon checking Google maps, almost six kilometres. That is half of what I need to do, just to get to work, and I did it in two bursts. And both times, I had to walk my bike a bit.

This is going to be a serious fucking challenge.

Also, I've switched over to G-mail. Just to get caught up with 2008.

Until next time, I guess then...

Merrily I Ooze Along

I'm sure this is all a large surprise to my faithful readers, but I can't seem to care about updating this regularly. I don't know what it is about blogging that brings me to it in waves. Maybe it's just catharthsis or something, that thing I need to do every so often just to have it out of my system. I might just need to find some sort of system for this, too.

You know what though? I blame Twitter. Damned Microblogging. What I'll have to do is find a way to put my TwitterFeed on the site. That'll fix things.

Anyways, it's not looking like I'm going to get the position, and I'm probably not going to follow through on my threat, because I, sadly, was born without a spine. It's very tragic. I shall just ooze along now.

Godspeed, ladies and gentlemen. Godspeed.

Welcome to March

Hey, I live. Awesome.

I have felt so uninspired since the start of February. Hurry up Spring. Get here quicker.

I need to figure out what the hell is going on.

A Promise.

So I still feel like writing. The time is 8:30, and I still feel like writing. I don't know about what, and my eyes aren't even open. Isn't learning to type properly just completely awesome?

I've had a long day. I was supposed to be off in a half hour, which would coincide nicely with the death of my cell phone's battery, but that seems destined not to be. Oh! Interesting fact. I have a smartphone now. I've been trying to figure out how to blog on it nicely, but Blogspot seems to not work very nicely with my Motorola Milestone. Maybe with 2.2 it will do a bit better.

So what to talk about. Kaerwyn is below you. Home Depot is on this end of the screen, your room is on your end of the screen. Above you will be some post about my thoughts at the moment, much similar to what this is. To your right, there are some links to other places on the internet. To your left though. Oooh that's an interesting place. There's some blue there. Look! To the left of these words! Blue!

I'm in the Tool Rental Centre.

Six months ago, I applied for the head cashier position that was available. After some wait, the position went to a coworker of mine, and I was not even granted an interview. I was deemed unsuitable for the job. It was one of the most demoralizing experiences I had ever experienced in a job. It affected my work performance for three months or so, and even still, I don't have the same rosy view of The Home Depot that I used to. Now though, I have seen an opening I am fully trained for, have experience in, and am the fallback guy for when they need help. I am talking about the Tool Rental Centre. There is an opening, and I have come to a decision.

If I am not granted an interview, I will quit my job.

There. It is in print. If I am not granted an interview for the tool rental associate position that I applied for, I will find a new job and quit this one.

That being said, I talked to the manager of the department already, and he has actually promised me that I will receive an interview for the position. I am cautiously optimistic that I will not have to follow through on my promise.

I will not quit, if I don't get the position. There is a bit of a shakeup going on here at the Depot regarding one of our stocking teams, and they are being given special priority for transfers. Also, we are having a job fair, and we may pull in a millwright or something when the Depot casts out its nets.

So yeah. I will understand, though be disappointed, if I don't get the position. They better grant me the courtesy of granting me an interview for a position I held for a few months though. That, or they can find a new person for my current position anyways.

That's all there is to say then. For now at least.

Vexation

Huzzah, I have my Grandma's laptop, and am no longer slightly dead to the world!

For those of you at home who haven't been following along, my laptop's power adapter (the second one) has self destructed. It's all quite sad and tragic, and to the tune of about forty bucks. This vexes me. Oh well though, it's not like I don't spend five hours a day on my laptop anyways.

In other news, the Quirky/Fed-ex/Canda Customs complex has screwed me over for about twenty five dollars. While this vexes me as well, I don't see any way out but to pay the bastards.

Oh well. I don't have a lot to say today.

This isn't as interesting as it used to be.

Strange Things

I feel really strange tonight.

I haven't had anything to drink, but I feel drunk. I have nothing to feel sad about, but I feel depressed. I had a good day of fairly adult activity, basking in maturity, but I feel like a child.

My friends are at a kinky party, and I just feel lonely right now. I wouldn't want to be there though. I'd just be hovering, not feeling comfortale. I don't like being single at all. It feels like noone wants to be around me.

This all sounds very depressing, I know. I'll feel better tomorrow.

Inspiration

I've been watching these speeches called TED talks, and have felt inspired. I see Wikileaks doing great things for the world, and I feel inspired. I hear about what Anonymous is doing, and I think tht it's great that someone is doing something about various causes.

I sit here and occasionally feel inspired to write something. Maybe.

I don't know.

Another Day

I continue to live.

Of course you know that if you are here. Right now, I'm guessing your name is Madelaine Clark if you are reading this, unless you have this on an RSS reader, Matthew. If not, if you're some random blog reader, and just happening by, I suppose I should introduce myself. Give you some back story on this blog that's updating for the first time in more than a year.

I'm Rob. I live on my own, for about a year. I am in between universities, but at the same job I've held for a few years now. Oh, and I don't write anymore. I just cannot seem to be assed anymore to actually sit down and plan out my thoughts, or even produce something stream of consciousness. I think this all comes down to a lack of time in which I'm forced to sit in one place doing nothing, anymore.

So here I am. I want to say something encouraging to the process. Something saying I'm turning this blog around like, "I plan to start this again". That though would be a lie. I have no such plans. To be very honest, tonight I just was talking to a friend, and something came up that made me think. And it made me want to voice my thoughts, even if constantly in my head, I'm still censoring myself.

That was part of the reason I stopped though. Despite my knowledge that nobody would ever read this blog outside my family, the idea of posting my journal, and posting my thoughts like this was always very appealing. It was like an open letter, airing my grievances, my thoughts, my feelings. It helped me deal with things from day to day, and I didn't care what people thought at first. In a lot of very meaningful ways, it helped me a lot.

I'm proud of a lot of the stuff I did with this blog. The censoring though, the stuff I had to learn not to do, for fear people would be offended... It hurt. I needed to be able to say whatever I wanted, and I had lost my outlet.

So, there it is. What I am willing to say right now. It's not well laid out, or always making perfect sense, but there it is. The old standard would be 'Until next time...' right here, but I'm not going to make the suggestion that I'll be back here.

I have to think about certain things that I'm not sure I'm ready to confront yet. The end results terrify me.

Update

I, Robert Clark, am moving away from home, within the next two weeks. I will be living elsewhere than here, where I have resided for over twenty years. I will be living in a new home, one not the only place I can ever remember living.

What the fuck is going on? I'm turning twenty-two, I'm moving away from home, I'm... Good lord, I'm turning into an adult! When the fuck did this happen? My friend is buying a house and moving in with their girlfriend of three years, and I'm barely dating, yet I'm moving out on my 'own' and ready to pay rent, and buy my own food, and I'm turning twenty-two!? My mind, dear reader, as you might suspect, is blown.

Okay, deep breath.

So yes, I'm moving out, for the first time, and I'm starting to stress now. Yes Duane, if you're reading this, you win. I really wasn't feeling it til just about now, and I'm not sure how long after the close date I'm going to be able to wait to move in. Very likely, not very long. Things though are getting crazier by the day, and I can't... It's hard to contain the excitement. There's a lot of parts of my life that I want to move forward, but they seem stuck at the moment. I see these parts of my life that have just outright stalled, and my seeming lack of interest in them, and I see this closing date as the day when I can stand up and say 'Yes, this part of my life matters now. This is my life, and I'll live it.'

I dunno. I'm probably romanticizing this move a little bit too much. But hey, we'll see. I'm running out of steam here, and seeing how it's my only real post this year, I'll close it with my usual...

Until next time...

A Chance at the Truth

My ideas are my own.
I will not be silenced.

My words are my own,
I will spread them to the world.

My medium is the written word
To stop me is to hold me back
To censor me is to hold me down
To impose restrictions on me is to break my spirit and take my freedom away.
The ruled sheet is my canvas onto which my masterpiece will flow.

My masterpiece will be truly mine;
Heartfelt expressions, lyrically phrased,
and brought forward in such a way that nobody,
Not a soul,
Will ever challenge me as to what is mine and what is not.

I shall not see my visions tarnished, I will not hide them from the world.
I can not stop because of anger produced by my veiled allusions.
The words that sting are the true feelings from my heart,
and I have only the choice in how the words sting whom.

The words may stay bottled, hidden from all but me;
The stings forever going inwards.

Words may flow onto the empty page but silenced in fear of offending another,
The feelings that would be seen only shadows of what truly exists.
My feelings would be detached, forgotten and lost.
A part of myself, at some time, scattered forever and a nagging sense of loss all that remains.

My heart could go out though, out for all to take notice.
Feelings expressed and acknowledged, the heartfelt wounds no longer simply mine to bear.
Spread amongst those that should know them, those that would want to see.
A jealous few would hate them, but that would be the price to pay for being free.
Thought for thought, what is there is truly me.


My words are not crafted to be the barbs that they are seen as.
My lines are not made with the intent to hurt.

I choose my words and lay them down,
I share them with the world.
I ask for help, I ask for guidance.

Guidance to heal,
Guidance to teach.

Guidance to find what I am looking for within myself.


This must be understood.

I write for me, and for no one else.
I write to clear my mind,
such that I can know my own self true.
I write to better my craft, to sharpen my mind.
I write so that I know my deepest thoughts,
the ones that do not make themselves known.
I write so that I can try to find balance.

I show my art to the world not in a spirit of vengeance;
not in a spirit of malevolence.
It is so that I can be shown how to express myself.

Express myself better,
More clearly,
More eloquently,
More lyrically.

I show my art to the world not to sting and bruise,
It is so that I can ask how to not feel the stings and bruises myself.

So that I will not bruise,
So that I will not be stung.
So in the future when I am given pause to think again on matters close,
The lessons learned will bring a new resolution.
One beneficial to all.

I write, I share, I listen, I change.
I write again.


As much as I wish to do one thing, I often do another.
Such did my work, to assert my integrity and honour,
become a heartfelt plea for understanding.

It saddens me that through all of it, I will still not receive it.
I will receive scorn,
I will be the subject of derision,
I will have those who I seek to make understand, become enraged.

In the end though, my works will be mine.
If I have to choose between the artificial peace and my dreams,
I pick my dreams.
If the choice to keep my eventual masterpiece,
Causes strife and increases the enmity always felt,
the choice becomes more difficult.

I do not desire it, but I must let what I create be mine.
Not someone elses, tainted by threats and anger.
Not soured by a sugar coating.
Whatever shown must be the truth.

I will show my words.
I will show my heart.
I will show the truth.

As much as it may pain me in the end,
I will not be silenced.


Until next time...

Justice?

Verbally lashed,
Unjustly accused.

The moral high ground is mine.

I did not wrong, I am not to blame.
In the end I am the one in the right.

Verbally lashed,
Vulgarities thrown.

The mediator falls, having tried only to be the voice of reason.

She had tried to keep it civil,
She had tried to stay so fair.
In the end she was betrayed,
By the boy who laid the blame on me.

Betrayed by he that she was fighting for,

Temper lit,
flaring high,
burned her wings,
now she will cry.

Crying for the poisons that he spat at her.
She only tried to help,
Trying to not let the fight flare so high.
Tempers lit,
and now she cries.

She is hurt. What sort of winning is this then?
It is a Pyrrhic victory as my fighting force is gone.
Saddened now knowing that the one who tried to stop the fall,
is the only one who has felt like she has lost.
Saddened that the one who cries,
Was the most blameless one of all.


Until next time...

Death

I don't know why I randomly thought of this at twenty to four in the morning, but it just popped into my head.

If I were to die today, my final wishes, which are known, would not be carried out.

This distresses me, it really does, and I do not know what to do about it. There are certain things that I want done after my death, even though I know it will have no bearing on absolutely anything. I know that how my death is handled will impact on those who will deal with it, but at the same time, should my wishes not be respected? I don't know, maybe that is a question best left to the philosophers.

I have been told my funeral will have a priest or reverend. In general, some sort of religious spin. I have been told I am being buried, six feet underground. I have been told that I will not be cremated.

Now, let's sort some things out. I do not want my funeral to have any sort of religious spin on it. I am an atheist. I don't want my death handled any different than how I handled my life. Whoever conducts my eulogy can feel free to be sarcastic about my life. I would want them to try and find happiness after I'm dead. I don't want them looking at all my good points and oversinging my praises, because that just doesn't paint a realistic portrait of me. Something that once I'm dead, will need to be done.

What I really want, is something called a speaking. It's something that comes up in Orson Scott Card's Speaker for the Dead and it's always been something that appealed to me. The aim was not to paint a glowing picture of the deceased, but to rather explain their life, for good and bad, and try to illustrate what their intentions were in life. Their motivations and such.

I would like that.

As to the second and third points, I want to be cremated. The idea of my body being on fire and being turned into ash doesn't bother me. The idea of my body slowly becoming food for the worms is more than just a little bit disturbing.

I want to be cremated, and to have my ashes spread. I have a list of places I'd like them to go, but some are admittedly unrealistic. The point though is, I'd rather sit in an urn or a ziploc bag on someone's mantle or in someone's closet, then to have my remains rot underground.

In any case, I know it wont matter, but in life, the idea that what I want in death wont be carried out; pisses me off more than just a little bit.

Anyways...

Until next time...

I am not a Heathen

I don't know what is with people. I don't understand them at a really basic level, but sometimes they are spectacularly insane. At work on Friday, a woman came up to me and asked me if I believed in the "power of Jesus, and his power to save my soul from eternal damnation."

I don't think it is much to ask not to be asked these types of questions out of the blue while I'm cashing people through, but this is actually the second time this has happened to me. I've been given religious pamphlets before, but usually they don't talk to me much.

Anyways, I said no, because as you may or may not know, I am an atheist. In response I was called a heathen. Then I had the angriest parts of Leviticus quoted at me. The parts of it that have stones being thrown at various sinners.

Now, I don't think I'm asking a lot for these people not to quote the Old Testament at me. They could at least quote New Testament at me, maybe John 3:16. That would at least make sense. No, though. Angriest parts of the angriest book of the angriest half of the bible. That and being called something I am actually not.

I am an infidel.

I am a very proud infidel, but one who isn't trying to convert everyone.

I am not a heathen. They are pagans who worship germanic or scandanavian gods or godesses.

I am technically a Pagan, but not really. I am only a Pagan in the sense that I do not worship the Abrahamic god. I instead worship no god.

I am not a heretic. I have been called this as well by the way, by someone who asked me if I had found Jesus. I said no, and pulled out my copy of The God Delusion to do some counter-proselytizing. At this point I was given a terribly dirty look, and was called a heretic.

Strictly speaking, a heretic would have to believe in a god to begin with. I would then be branded a heretic, and promptly excommunicated.

I am an infidel, I deny the divinity of Jesus, I reject the notion that there is any sort of god.

Frankly I think the politically correct term, regardless of what word may actually be correct is simply an atheist.

Until next time...

Hiatus

I don't like posting as much as I used to, this is a simple fact. I do not have the motivation to do it, I do not have the time to do it, and I do not have the material. The incentives for me to post have been ripped away from me steadily over the course of my time posting here. This has made it so that it is no longer enjoyable to post my feelings in this forum. It is far better for me to not mention any of them, because the 'conversations' that I am forced to have with certain people, feels more like some sort of inquisition, and it feels that my points of view are scrutinized unduly.

I do not enjoy writing when I have to be censored. This is a simple fact. I like being able to rant and rave about whatever thing makes me angry, or sad, or simply makes me laugh; without my viewpoint being belittled, or thought of as irrational. I do not like having to defend my viewpoint itself, simply because someone does not agree with it. I like saying I am pissed off at my parents if I am pissed off at my parents. I like being able to say exactly how my brother has struck my last nerve if I want. I want to be able to tell whatever fraction of the world reads this whatever I want, whenever I want, moderated only by what I feel is right.

Obviously that's not going to happen, it's ridiculous, and more than a bit selfish to actually go ahead and do it. One must censor themselves a bit. They would alienate everyone around themselves otherwise. I would however like to be able to not be attacked for some posts that I make, and belittled for others.

On occasion I will make a post. Something innocuous, but what will end up happening, is that I will have to engage in talk after talk about some small part of what I discussed in the post. Something that after posting, I feel better about, or I have no desire to discuss. Other times, I'll post a fairly blatant concern, and I will never hear the end of it, especially if it strikes a chord with those around me.

Not every post is directed at everyone, many are directed at absolutely nobody in particular. Some are just done for my benefit, to make me feel better. Once I post them, I usually have no further desire to talk about the issue. I frankly do not like talking about what I write about more often than not. I am not good at verbalizing my thoughts. It takes me too long, and I end up tripping over my words. Whereas when I write, I can plan out each statement before I submit it.

I have tried other options, not posting, posting under private mode, and simply posting elsewhere, and what the problem always is, is that I enjoy the illusion that other people outside my circle of friends and family could read this. I obviously do not suffer under this illusion, but the fact is, the chance that someone could happen upon my writing, is a motivator to write. The problem though is, that I like writing as Robert Clark, and not any of my online aliases. It makes it more personal for me, but sadly brings it home to those around me.

So it is with this, that I announce an indefinite hiatus from posting, until I can figure out what I am going to do. I may post during this time, but I doubt it.

I don't enjoy the pressure I feel whenever I post. I do not enjoy not being able to express myself, and I don't enjoy having my feelings scrutinized. There are certainly positives, but in my mind at least, the cons outweigh the pros.

Until next time...

Work Ethics

My brother Scott is insane. Today, he worked for fifteen hours, give or take a few hours, and in the process took one pitiful half hour break.

Like I said, my brother is insane.

I may rag on him a lot, say he pisses me off to no end, and he would respond to this with some variation on the word "likewise", but one thing i can never impugn is his work ethic. His dedication to his job, to his workplace, and to his company, is beyond reproach, and is something that not only I, but most workers should aspire to. He goes in early, he stays late, he works shifts that last more than ten hours on a weekly basis, and he works at a Harvey's.

Harvey's for crying out loud. He is not a financial accountant, he is not the chief executive officer of a major corporation, he is not even the manager. He is the pseudo-assistant manager, or more officially, the acting assistant supervising manager. He's seventeen, and he already does the work of an assistant manager.

For this hard work, how much does he make, might you ask. My brother, who does all this work, who is trusted with the financial information of his store, who is trusted with all the confidential files of his Harvey's location, makes eight dollars and twenty five cents per hour.

$8.25/hour.

He leads his workplace's health and safety board, he does all this work, he puts up with the endless streams of crap from both his customers, and his coworkers, and for all that, he makes a pittance. A measly eight dollars and change, in return for each and every hour of his life that he spends in the nook of the Home depot.

So yes, for those in the world that say that my generation is lazy, you may all stand up and take notice of people like my brother. For all of those who would say that my generation has no work ethic, again I say to look to my brother, and all those like him. To take shots at an entire group of people, without regards to those who are truly exceptional is wrong. It is just as bigoted as any form of discrimination.

You make me proud to be your brother, Scott. I just hope you know that. For all the joking, for all the fighting, and for all the animosity that often exists between us, I hope you know that.

Until next time...

Extenuating Circumstances

Well, I have discovered an ever so slight flaw in the system at my university. With regards to missed assignments and midterms, the only two acceptable excuses are a death in the family, or an illness.

Now as some of you may know, I got into a car accident last Tuesday, thereby preventing me from handing in an assignment. I had to wait more than three hours for the police to arrive, as the damage seemed to be over a thousand dollars.

Apparently, having to wait for police, as the law requires, is not a valid excuse at the University of Ontario Institute of Technology. They expect you to break the law, either that, or they are punishing me for getting rear ended.

This is patently ridiculous, it is fundamentally wrong, and it is some sort of legal action waiting to happen, whether it be damages for failing the course, an injunction of some sort, or some punitive damages of some variety. I know we are not an overly litigious nation, but some things need to be stood up for, some battles need to be fought.

Myself, I shall be letting this one slide. The amount of effort, and the reality that I ended up leaving about twenty minutes before police arrived, so I could attend my computer science midterm, prevents me from being able to prove it anyways.

The bureacracy is seriously getting on my nerves.

Until next time...

Life in General

I just don't know what I'm doing lately. It seems like I've been going through the motions for some time now, and I simply do not know what to say, or do to change this. I think I've come to the conclusion that while I do need a change in my life, I'm unsure as to what change that may be, or whether I could handle it.

Of course, I say this in the wake of a car accident that has shaken me up, quite honestly, and made me paranoid of other cars on the road. This disruption to my normal routine just has me so frustrated, but still, at the same time, has left me wanting to shake things up a bit more. To make some sort of change while the mood is there.

I don't know, I think that honestly, I've known what I wanted for some time, and despite the suggestions of others, saying it is easy, that I just need to put myself out there. I suck at meeting new people. I have trouble relating to them, and I get the feeling that I come off as looking standoffish. More to the point, as much as I desire to find a relationship that has meaning, like some of my friends have, I lack both the social finesse, and the confidence to seek this out.

I don't know.

In other news, my education mark has come back, and it turns out I got a B-. Not a stellar mark, but nothing to be ashamed of. It wont be long until I manage to get off of probation. Perhaps only until the end of my next semester.

I worry about the future a lot. In the light of day, I often think that things will be fine, but then I'll stay up at night, trying to figure out where I need to go from here. I try to keep up my marks, stay ahead in school, but what's coming worries me. They say it all the time: Que sera... sera. But, que sera?

Until next time...

I Hate Other Drivers

Well today has just been a stellar one.

First, I get a headache first thing in the morning, so that takes me down for my calculus lecture. During this period, my brothers proceed to wake me up every twenty or so minutes, as for some strange reason, they made a point not to go to school.

Second, after I drive them into school, at about noon, and go to KFC for a quick bite to eat, I accidentally leave my backpack, including my laptop, on the seat at the restaurant. I realize this a few minutes later up the road. I decide to slow down and use a school as a place to turn around.

Finally, as I slow, a van comes up from behind and slams into me. This shatters my tail light covers, as well as making it so that the trunk wont close flush with the car. Lovely. I waited there for two and a half hours, in which the cops failed to respond.

I am having a lovely day.

Until next time...

Physics

Alright, I am getting quite tired of muddling along in physics, attempting to do all of the work, yet falling further and further behind, simply because I cannot understand how to apply things. Every class, every lab, another five equations are added to the list of those I am expected to know, and memorize, and I am losing my mind.

I have come to the realization, that while I will be able to finish out the year in my course, that I have little to no hope of bringing this all together for another three years. I seem to be, day by day, gravitating towards computer science as an alternative major. It would afford me the same opportunities, while at the same time allowing me a field where I can learn from scratch, without the presumption that I know prior knowledge. It also occurs to me that it would afford me more practical knowledge in each class.

I will have to take some time and consider this, while it is still perfectly acceptable to be having such issues, before it is too late. If I switch now, the fallout will be minimal, and I will have no problem recovering, and obtaining the courses which I would need.

Perhaps I could keep physics as my minor, or I may go towards math, where I would not have too many issues either. I, as I said, will have to think about it.

Until next time...

Family

Throughout the time we have in this life, often we walk upon its path, surrounded by our family and friends. Along the way, many of your friends may take different paths, leading away from your own, going different places. Others will converge into your's, leaving you with newfound people to share your life's journey with. Your family though, your family is there with you every moment.

Sometimes in life, you feel like you're alone, that nobody knows how you are feeling. That nobody understands what you're trying to say. That nobody looks at you, and is glad that they know you, and that you make people's lives better as a result of being a part of it. I'm not sure how egotistical or vain that seems. It's just how I feel sometimes...

I have learned something recently... That you are not alone, as long as you have your family, they will always stand by you, in some shape or form. You may not always like the way in which they show their support, or encouragement, but it is always there. They may not even know how to properly express it themselves, but it is there. Sometimes you just need to give them a chance, or the benefit of the doubt.

To those that read this, and you will know who you are, I am sorry. Thank you for your words of encouragement, they were truly touching; and that's not a phrase I use lightly.

Until next time...