My Older Style of Writing

You know what is somewhat depressing? Looking back upon your older works, your old posts, your old writing, poetry and short stories. Reading back through them, having a good laugh, thinking about how you used to view the world. Looking back and realizing that you have not improved at writing in the slightest.

I was recently looking back upon my post "I Wish You a Merry Christmas" and marvelled at a few things. I noticed that since then, my religious and political beliefs have matured and settled. I noticed, upon reading through this post and a few others that my writing used to be much more interesting. I could make sentences flow together and sound exactly how I wanted them to without any effort at all. There was no worries of using the correct words, as everything just flowed from my head to the page. I could write three or four pieces in the space of two hours.

And the writing was good. I really enjoyed it, and I was good at it, at least in my opinion.

These days, it seems that writing the way I used to is harder. It takes more concentration, which I cannot seem to muster these days, and I can never seem to work out how to just sit and write. The atmosphere is never right, despite almost always having writing materials.

I wish so much that I could simply write like I used to. Without effort, without a hint of self consciousness. Write without worrying about what people would think, and write what I truly felt.

Until next time...

I am not a Heathen

I don't know what is with people. I don't understand them at a really basic level, but sometimes they are spectacularly insane. At work on Friday, a woman came up to me and asked me if I believed in the "power of Jesus, and his power to save my soul from eternal damnation."

I don't think it is much to ask not to be asked these types of questions out of the blue while I'm cashing people through, but this is actually the second time this has happened to me. I've been given religious pamphlets before, but usually they don't talk to me much.

Anyways, I said no, because as you may or may not know, I am an atheist. In response I was called a heathen. Then I had the angriest parts of Leviticus quoted at me. The parts of it that have stones being thrown at various sinners.

Now, I don't think I'm asking a lot for these people not to quote the Old Testament at me. They could at least quote New Testament at me, maybe John 3:16. That would at least make sense. No, though. Angriest parts of the angriest book of the angriest half of the bible. That and being called something I am actually not.

I am an infidel.

I am a very proud infidel, but one who isn't trying to convert everyone.

I am not a heathen. They are pagans who worship germanic or scandanavian gods or godesses.

I am technically a Pagan, but not really. I am only a Pagan in the sense that I do not worship the Abrahamic god. I instead worship no god.

I am not a heretic. I have been called this as well by the way, by someone who asked me if I had found Jesus. I said no, and pulled out my copy of The God Delusion to do some counter-proselytizing. At this point I was given a terribly dirty look, and was called a heretic.

Strictly speaking, a heretic would have to believe in a god to begin with. I would then be branded a heretic, and promptly excommunicated.

I am an infidel, I deny the divinity of Jesus, I reject the notion that there is any sort of god.

Frankly I think the politically correct term, regardless of what word may actually be correct is simply an atheist.

Until next time...

Answer My Question

Question:

0111001101101001001000000110000101110111011010000
11101000010000001101001011011010111010101101001011
0000101110100011101000110111000100000011001100110
111100100000011011010111001001100010011101010110111
0011001010010000001100101011101000110100000100000
011000110110110101110100011000010110111101101001

It is a continuous string of numbers, edited so it can fit cleanly on the screen. Solve it if you can.

Until next time...

Hiatus

I don't like posting as much as I used to, this is a simple fact. I do not have the motivation to do it, I do not have the time to do it, and I do not have the material. The incentives for me to post have been ripped away from me steadily over the course of my time posting here. This has made it so that it is no longer enjoyable to post my feelings in this forum. It is far better for me to not mention any of them, because the 'conversations' that I am forced to have with certain people, feels more like some sort of inquisition, and it feels that my points of view are scrutinized unduly.

I do not enjoy writing when I have to be censored. This is a simple fact. I like being able to rant and rave about whatever thing makes me angry, or sad, or simply makes me laugh; without my viewpoint being belittled, or thought of as irrational. I do not like having to defend my viewpoint itself, simply because someone does not agree with it. I like saying I am pissed off at my parents if I am pissed off at my parents. I like being able to say exactly how my brother has struck my last nerve if I want. I want to be able to tell whatever fraction of the world reads this whatever I want, whenever I want, moderated only by what I feel is right.

Obviously that's not going to happen, it's ridiculous, and more than a bit selfish to actually go ahead and do it. One must censor themselves a bit. They would alienate everyone around themselves otherwise. I would however like to be able to not be attacked for some posts that I make, and belittled for others.

On occasion I will make a post. Something innocuous, but what will end up happening, is that I will have to engage in talk after talk about some small part of what I discussed in the post. Something that after posting, I feel better about, or I have no desire to discuss. Other times, I'll post a fairly blatant concern, and I will never hear the end of it, especially if it strikes a chord with those around me.

Not every post is directed at everyone, many are directed at absolutely nobody in particular. Some are just done for my benefit, to make me feel better. Once I post them, I usually have no further desire to talk about the issue. I frankly do not like talking about what I write about more often than not. I am not good at verbalizing my thoughts. It takes me too long, and I end up tripping over my words. Whereas when I write, I can plan out each statement before I submit it.

I have tried other options, not posting, posting under private mode, and simply posting elsewhere, and what the problem always is, is that I enjoy the illusion that other people outside my circle of friends and family could read this. I obviously do not suffer under this illusion, but the fact is, the chance that someone could happen upon my writing, is a motivator to write. The problem though is, that I like writing as Robert Clark, and not any of my online aliases. It makes it more personal for me, but sadly brings it home to those around me.

So it is with this, that I announce an indefinite hiatus from posting, until I can figure out what I am going to do. I may post during this time, but I doubt it.

I don't enjoy the pressure I feel whenever I post. I do not enjoy not being able to express myself, and I don't enjoy having my feelings scrutinized. There are certainly positives, but in my mind at least, the cons outweigh the pros.

Until next time...

Work Ethics

My brother Scott is insane. Today, he worked for fifteen hours, give or take a few hours, and in the process took one pitiful half hour break.

Like I said, my brother is insane.

I may rag on him a lot, say he pisses me off to no end, and he would respond to this with some variation on the word "likewise", but one thing i can never impugn is his work ethic. His dedication to his job, to his workplace, and to his company, is beyond reproach, and is something that not only I, but most workers should aspire to. He goes in early, he stays late, he works shifts that last more than ten hours on a weekly basis, and he works at a Harvey's.

Harvey's for crying out loud. He is not a financial accountant, he is not the chief executive officer of a major corporation, he is not even the manager. He is the pseudo-assistant manager, or more officially, the acting assistant supervising manager. He's seventeen, and he already does the work of an assistant manager.

For this hard work, how much does he make, might you ask. My brother, who does all this work, who is trusted with the financial information of his store, who is trusted with all the confidential files of his Harvey's location, makes eight dollars and twenty five cents per hour.

$8.25/hour.

He leads his workplace's health and safety board, he does all this work, he puts up with the endless streams of crap from both his customers, and his coworkers, and for all that, he makes a pittance. A measly eight dollars and change, in return for each and every hour of his life that he spends in the nook of the Home depot.

So yes, for those in the world that say that my generation is lazy, you may all stand up and take notice of people like my brother. For all of those who would say that my generation has no work ethic, again I say to look to my brother, and all those like him. To take shots at an entire group of people, without regards to those who are truly exceptional is wrong. It is just as bigoted as any form of discrimination.

You make me proud to be your brother, Scott. I just hope you know that. For all the joking, for all the fighting, and for all the animosity that often exists between us, I hope you know that.

Until next time...

Screw you, Hallmark!

So I think I've come up with a great plan to avoid giving Hallmark and Carlton Cards any further money. I figure that over the years I have spend four dollars or so on cards at least a few dozen times.

So from now on, rather than do that, I will spend five dollars, and do the following:

1. Get a crisp five dollar bill.
2. Get a small square envelope.
3. Write on the five dollar bill "Happy [occasion], Love [Your Name]". Do this preferably with a Sharpie.
   
4. Fold it neatly and put it in the envelope.
5. Seal the envelope and give it to them with the envelope.

See, now there is a few reasons why this is inherently a good idea

1. You aren't giving money to Hallmark, you are instead giving it to someone you care about.
2. They will think it is a neat idea.
3. In some cases, it costs less than the card.
4. They will get some use out of their "card"
   
5. You get the added satisfaction of wondering what the next person getting this five dollar bill will think when they read the message.

So yeah, try it. I find it works quite well, and I haven't given a card in a few months.

Until next time...

Extenuating Circumstances

Well, I have discovered an ever so slight flaw in the system at my university. With regards to missed assignments and midterms, the only two acceptable excuses are a death in the family, or an illness.

Now as some of you may know, I got into a car accident last Tuesday, thereby preventing me from handing in an assignment. I had to wait more than three hours for the police to arrive, as the damage seemed to be over a thousand dollars.

Apparently, having to wait for police, as the law requires, is not a valid excuse at the University of Ontario Institute of Technology. They expect you to break the law, either that, or they are punishing me for getting rear ended.

This is patently ridiculous, it is fundamentally wrong, and it is some sort of legal action waiting to happen, whether it be damages for failing the course, an injunction of some sort, or some punitive damages of some variety. I know we are not an overly litigious nation, but some things need to be stood up for, some battles need to be fought.

Myself, I shall be letting this one slide. The amount of effort, and the reality that I ended up leaving about twenty minutes before police arrived, so I could attend my computer science midterm, prevents me from being able to prove it anyways.

The bureacracy is seriously getting on my nerves.

Until next time...

Life in General

I just don't know what I'm doing lately. It seems like I've been going through the motions for some time now, and I simply do not know what to say, or do to change this. I think I've come to the conclusion that while I do need a change in my life, I'm unsure as to what change that may be, or whether I could handle it.

Of course, I say this in the wake of a car accident that has shaken me up, quite honestly, and made me paranoid of other cars on the road. This disruption to my normal routine just has me so frustrated, but still, at the same time, has left me wanting to shake things up a bit more. To make some sort of change while the mood is there.

I don't know, I think that honestly, I've known what I wanted for some time, and despite the suggestions of others, saying it is easy, that I just need to put myself out there. I suck at meeting new people. I have trouble relating to them, and I get the feeling that I come off as looking standoffish. More to the point, as much as I desire to find a relationship that has meaning, like some of my friends have, I lack both the social finesse, and the confidence to seek this out.

I don't know.

In other news, my education mark has come back, and it turns out I got a B-. Not a stellar mark, but nothing to be ashamed of. It wont be long until I manage to get off of probation. Perhaps only until the end of my next semester.

I worry about the future a lot. In the light of day, I often think that things will be fine, but then I'll stay up at night, trying to figure out where I need to go from here. I try to keep up my marks, stay ahead in school, but what's coming worries me. They say it all the time: Que sera... sera. But, que sera?

Until next time...

I Hate Other Drivers

Well today has just been a stellar one.

First, I get a headache first thing in the morning, so that takes me down for my calculus lecture. During this period, my brothers proceed to wake me up every twenty or so minutes, as for some strange reason, they made a point not to go to school.

Second, after I drive them into school, at about noon, and go to KFC for a quick bite to eat, I accidentally leave my backpack, including my laptop, on the seat at the restaurant. I realize this a few minutes later up the road. I decide to slow down and use a school as a place to turn around.

Finally, as I slow, a van comes up from behind and slams into me. This shatters my tail light covers, as well as making it so that the trunk wont close flush with the car. Lovely. I waited there for two and a half hours, in which the cops failed to respond.

I am having a lovely day.

Until next time...

Take That Chemistry

Take that chemistry! You think you're so tough, what with your chemicals, and your acids, but in reality you've got nothing. You pale in comparison to the pure might of physics and math. You try to act cool by throwing in some math in your balancing of equations, but you are in reality, a hard science wannabe.

So I say, do your worst, give me the worst midterms, the worst exams, the hardest questions. I'll ace them all, just like I probably did this one. So I say again, I shall win over you. You will not be victorious. When all the dust settles, and only one emerges in a cloud of pride and knowledge, it will be me.

For all your initial trouble you gave me, you were really nothing.

Until next time...

Pseudorandom Numbers

I have just engaged in a particularly pointless debate with one of my friends, on the relative randomness of varying small numbers, picked from the natural set. The debate primarily consisted of us attempting to determine what truly made a number more or less random.

Obviously, larger numbers seem more random, when taking into consideration the vastness of infinity, but in the end, when looking towards the end of infinity, one billion seems just as far away from it as one does. This is where my assertion comes in that some numbers 'seem' more random than other.

I maintain the following points:

1. Odd numbers seem more random than even ones.
2. Prime numbers seem more random than composite.
3. There should not be an abundance of any particular digit.
4. There should be a odd:even digit ratio of slightly over one.
5. And finally, it should have that ring of just having been pulled out of thin air.

These to me, are the five tenets of what makes a number random.

This of course is a load of malarkey, as truly random numbers cannot be generated, due to humans having bias, and computers not being able to produce anything but pseudorandom numbers.

For those that do not believe that they cannot produce random numbers, I challenge you to do the following: Begin saying random digits; at some point a pattern will form, or you will favour certain digits. While of course those pseudorandom numbers are sufficient, they are not ideal.

Pseudorandom numbers usually have all the characteristics of a random number, but it still begs the question, of how one would truly acheive a random value.

Until next time...

End of Semester

I have come to the end of my second semester, and done fairly well, at least considering the one previous. I am proud of my marks, and while I feel that I may have been able to do better in physics, that my calculus mark truly represents my best work I could have done.

Calculus mark: A-
Physics mark: C+

As of current, my education mark is still a mystery, but it should be up sometime in summer school.

As for summer school, I will be taking Scientific Computing Tools, Chemistry 1, Chemistry 2, and Calculus 2. I feel that I should do all right in all of these. I cannot wait until I finish this year altogether.

Until next time...

Physics

Alright, I am getting quite tired of muddling along in physics, attempting to do all of the work, yet falling further and further behind, simply because I cannot understand how to apply things. Every class, every lab, another five equations are added to the list of those I am expected to know, and memorize, and I am losing my mind.

I have come to the realization, that while I will be able to finish out the year in my course, that I have little to no hope of bringing this all together for another three years. I seem to be, day by day, gravitating towards computer science as an alternative major. It would afford me the same opportunities, while at the same time allowing me a field where I can learn from scratch, without the presumption that I know prior knowledge. It also occurs to me that it would afford me more practical knowledge in each class.

I will have to take some time and consider this, while it is still perfectly acceptable to be having such issues, before it is too late. If I switch now, the fallout will be minimal, and I will have no problem recovering, and obtaining the courses which I would need.

Perhaps I could keep physics as my minor, or I may go towards math, where I would not have too many issues either. I, as I said, will have to think about it.

Until next time...

A Song that Made Me Think

Let us all face it, there is far too much apathy in the world.

This sort of apathy is dooming us, causing us to not be able to move forward. In the United States, only four days ago, a Toronto born child, and his Iranian parents were finally returned to Canada, after spending five weeks in a Texas prison, simply because the parents had been deported from Canada to begin with.

A child, a nine-year old child, born in Canada. Was forced to spend five weeks in an American prison, for trying to return to Canada, after their plane unexpectedly landed in the United States. In this jail made for immigrants that they were imprisoned in, the child was subdued to treatment that for an adult would be harsh, but for a child is simply inhumane.

They faced persecution, and threats of death if they were forced to return to the parent's native Iran, but this did not sway our government to accept their refugee claim. If I am not mistaken, these threats of persecution were for having some involvement with Salman Rushdie's book The Satanic Verses.

Currently they are temporarily in Canada, and I can only hope that their requests for asylum be granted, especially considering their ordeal, and the fact that Kevin Yourdkhani, the child, was born in Toronto.

Now I move on to this statement. Why was a Toronto born, nine-year old child, ever in an American, maximum security prison?

The American Civil Liberties Union, and Amnesty International both got involved in this case. A United States based organization, and a Britain based organization. Why is it that we, as Canadians, did not stand up and say that this was wrong?

Where was the public outrage, why did I never hear of this, save for a few scant mentions in a smattering of newspapers. Why did I not hear outrage at this? I thought multiple times about this issue, I should do something. Yet I did nothing. I did nothing to help, I signed no petition, I made no post about it, I did nothing. From no person did I hear that this was outrageous. This is what distresses me as well. This is why the video is being shown here.

In any case. The video, it made me think, just how powerful one person, or a group of committed people can be.

I believe Margaret Mead did in fact say it best:

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed people can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has."

Until next time...

Family

Throughout the time we have in this life, often we walk upon its path, surrounded by our family and friends. Along the way, many of your friends may take different paths, leading away from your own, going different places. Others will converge into your's, leaving you with newfound people to share your life's journey with. Your family though, your family is there with you every moment.

Sometimes in life, you feel like you're alone, that nobody knows how you are feeling. That nobody understands what you're trying to say. That nobody looks at you, and is glad that they know you, and that you make people's lives better as a result of being a part of it. I'm not sure how egotistical or vain that seems. It's just how I feel sometimes...

I have learned something recently... That you are not alone, as long as you have your family, they will always stand by you, in some shape or form. You may not always like the way in which they show their support, or encouragement, but it is always there. They may not even know how to properly express it themselves, but it is there. Sometimes you just need to give them a chance, or the benefit of the doubt.

To those that read this, and you will know who you are, I am sorry. Thank you for your words of encouragement, they were truly touching; and that's not a phrase I use lightly.

Until next time...

Someone I knew

Someone got into a car accident last Friday, my family and I discussed how it could have happened, and dismissed it without too much thought. I tried to think of anyone who it could have been, from my time I worked at Panago, but I too quickly stopped thinking about it. Today I found out that I knew this person in high school. His name is Andrew Connolly

He was delivering pizzas apparently, speeding down Baldwin street, when an SUV tried to make a lane change, he quickly noticed Andrew and veered back into his original lane. Andrew then spun out of control and crashed into a pole. He was rushed to hospital, and subsequently transferred to intensive care in Toronto. Here is the article, for any who wish to read it.

From what I have been told, he suffered brain death as a result of the accident, and that furthermore, he will be having the plug pulled on him at some point today.

My condolences goes out to the family, I really don't know what to say... I just don't.

Until next time...

Cell Phones

Well, it would seem that school boards are mulling over the ban of cell phones in classrooms. Apparently, this is creating quite a problem, both amongst the students using the phones, and the parents who want to call their kids.

I have this to say, I went to high school in a school that had a complete ban on cell phones, both in class and out. I once saw a student suspended for having a cell phone at the bus stop, off school property. I do not support this sort of total, all-inclusive ban, it is ridiculous, it is petty and it is wrong in my opinion. I do not see, however, how any rational person can actually oppose a ban of cell phones in classrooms.

Let us all face it, cell phones do not belong in classrooms, they are distracting, they can be used to cheat on tests, and there is frankly no need for it. These phones should be left in the student's lockers, safely put in their backpacks. This way the students can phone who they need to after classes, or on their lunch breaks, without being blatantly disruptive.

I would make the following suggestion: A total ban on cell phones in classrooms be put into effect, enforced with a zero tolerance attitude. If a cell phone is found on a student because it goes off during a class, then that cell phone be confiscated, and returned at the end of the day, and some suitable punishment be enforced. Meanwhile, allow the phones to be used when the students are not in class, or are on a field trip. This way, the parents can contact their kids, they have no real business calling them in class anyways. If it is that important, they can call the office.

A total ban is ridiculous, and is not in the best interests of anyone, but allowing them in classrooms is out of the question as well in my opinion. Is it impossible for anyone to sense that there is some middle ground here? Why is it that everyone seems to jump on the "Ban cell phones outright" bandwagon, just because when they were kids they did not have them?

Times have changed, and as society changes as a result of our technology advancing, our reactions to things must change accordingly. We must take appropriate measures against new devices, and be careful to not let things get out of hand.

Until next time...

I Don't Know

I will level with everyone tonight, I don't really know what I am writing about here. I just felt the need to try and hammer something out.

It seems to me that no matter how hard I try to prod my brain into producing something intelligible, I am completely unable to come up with anything of substance. Meanwhile, the second I do come up with something, I'm in no situation whatsoever to either post or make note of it. It is really quite frustrating. I want to be able to get all of these thoughts out of my head, but it just feels like there is this nagging feeling that something isn't right, and it's distracting me.

Well, I guess instead of having an intelligent posting about my thoughts, or a well thought out but meaningless guide to chair leaning, I shall give you all the normal updates into my life.

Not much is happening on the social front, I have been going out less as of late, trying to keep up with the schoolwork. I'm hoping to do something next weekend, but time will tell, as it frequently seems to.

On the academic front, I'm keeping up. After a few minor blips in physics, I think I'm going to be alright, and with regards to calculus, I only wish I had paid attention the first time through.

On the home front, my uncle has returned from Vancouver, and is temporarily staying with us. I don't see the problem, but there seems to be an general feeling of tension in the air. I'm sure it's just normal family stuff, it is just that I am unaccustomed to having my uncle around this much, so it is more just the 'weird newness', to quote Corner Gas.

And on the western front, all seems quiet.

That's all I suppose.

Until next time...

Blogger Beta

Well, I have relented to Blogger's incessant nagging me to update my blog to the beta version, so here you all go, I have changed it. Over the next few days, I will be adding the appropriate labels to all of my posts, which I hope will have some sort of impact in the end. In all likelyhood, the following labels will be used primarily: Rants, Thoughts, School, Life, Creative Writing, Blogging and News.

I'm not completely sure how all the labeling works, so bear with me, I'm sure I will get the hang of it within a few tries.

In other news, I am going to try to go back to a slightly more active role in blogging. I have a post written out to this effect, and I shall post it sometime soon. Also I have something that would definitely qualify as news.

So what I am trying to say is to stay tuned. There will be some changes, and a glorious return to activity.

Until next time...